question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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