apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
