Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
