I'm eating all of the evidence.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
