Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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