Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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