i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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