i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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