Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
