took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I enjoy the company of your penis
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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