On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
