My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
