i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
