did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
