bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
