wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
