I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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