Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
