so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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