I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
