just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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