: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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