May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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