There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
