we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
