He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
