Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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