I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
