If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
