She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sorry my hands just texted you
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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