i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
