I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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