He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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