i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
