I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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