So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
