I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
