Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
