My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
