Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She is in my trunk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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