i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
