If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
