I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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