i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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