just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
birth control should be required to get into college
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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