I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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