I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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