Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
