I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
