I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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