The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
