remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
