I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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