I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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