oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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