My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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