They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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