she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
