also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
