ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
